I’m sitting here and feeling completely alone. I’m not sure why I feel like this. I had an argument with my sister yesterday (not an unusual occurrence when it comes to our perspectives on what we need from our family, which happened to be the topic), got into an argument about the definition of “vegan” with people on my favorite forum and have not been receiving the support I feel like I need right now. I wrote my sister a HUGE letter which I chose not to send but shared with two people who are very close to me. I shared it because I just felt like I needed someone to understand so badly…just understand and be in my corner and I don’t feel like I got that at all. Probably my fault, when you tell someone you want their feedback you should be prepared for them to give honest feedback and that can conflict with your hopes of having them in your corner (or feeling that deep consoling support that you are looking for).
I have never had great self esteem. As a kid I didn’t really fit in anywhere and my primary way of healing has been to understand where people are coming from when they make the choices they make (which ultimately end up hurting someone they love). That desire for understanding was my primary motivation and probably a good chuck of why I made it through my teens. It’s not that I didn’t have support, my family was there, they put a roof over my head, clothed me and gave me the love they themselves were capable of (which never seemed to meet my standards). It was never good enough for me though. I know humans are capable of great feats of love, I’ve seen it in different environments and that’s what I always felt like I was worth. At the same time, I relied heavily on my family (probably still do) for validation. I was never comfortable in my own skin and if they (my family) approved of me and loved me then maybe I was doing something right. My friends were useless for that sort of stuff. We were a group of misfits that didn’t really fit together either but needed someone so hung out together. Not the best environment for support or the healthiest way to learn to build relationships from my understanding now.
Now I am having a lot of problems. I have become my own person as we try to do and am still finding it hard to find a place to fit in. Now I have very little interest in injecting myself into family situations mostly because they are always stressful for me. I’m talking large gatherings for the main holidays. It makes it more difficult that I can’t talk to them on most topics anymore. I feel alienated and I think I might have done it myself. I want something very different than any of them have exhibited being able to give. Where do I look now? For the past four years I have been living in Maryland and haven’t ever fallen in love with it. I miss Vermont (that’s where I grew up) and I used to think I missed it because my family was there. I am no longer sure that’s the case. If I missed my family so much why do I have such a strong dislike for going home for “holidays” where emotions run high and people get stressed (and inevitably stress me)? What is it I want? Where do I want to be? Where am I going to be happy? Is it necessary for me to put the family that was there, that helped raise me behind me so I can become the person I know I’m meant to be? Do I have to build a new family, start from scratch, wipe the proverbial slate clean and find different people to talk to and confide in (by different I mean different then the people I have always confided in). My grandmother and I talk and I can confide in her but she always tells me I need to just accept my family, my mother for who she is because she’s never going to change. I don’t believe that people never change, I can’t even begin to get my head around that. I confide in my sister as well but not without the knowledge that she will usually go back and tell my mother. She thinks she needs to play mediator and it’s very much not necessary. I just look for comfort from her, she went through all the same things I did (just in different ways) growing up and that gives me commonality, or so I thought.
One of my sisters, mothers, and grandmother’s favorite things to tell me is “…they aren’t going to change.” Well why the hell not? I am? Why won’t they? People are capable of great things, changing the way they perceive things doesn’t seem that ‘far out’ to me. Why do they change only when they have to? As we move towards a more enlightened way of living and being am I going to lose them? Are they going to be able to keep up? How do I change my interactions with them and make them change without talk? Everything I have ever done has been talk, reason, hypothesize and solve (through experimentation, research and understanding). How do I adapt my way of healing so it doesn’t depend on understanding why they are the way they are?
Then there is the topic of respect. I really just want to be respected by people. I don’t ask for a lot but that one is important to me. If I am not respected what is my purpose in their lives? Someone to berate and inflict their opinions on? You know, the first time I ever remember having an adult other than a teacher (and most of my teachers didn’t even do this) ask me what I thought about anything it was one of Ryan’s family members. The first time I met her she sat down next to me and asked me for my honest opinion on “Presidential Candidate Dean.” Her main reason for asking me was because I was from Vermont and he had been the Governor there for 10 years. She listened attentively, asked a few more questions and that was it. She had no interest in projecting her thoughts or feelings on me and was just looking for insight from me. Such a cool experience. I’m lucky if I can say anything in the presence of key members of my own family without getting my head bit off. My family feels it is so important for their opinion to be heard over anyone else’s. If you can’t picture this, picture a holiday dinner when voices keep getting heightened partly because of alcohol and partly because everyone’s opinion is so damn important. It doesn’t ever seem to get too out-of hand but I’m pretty sure it’s not good for digestion and I know for a fact that it leaves sour tastes in some people’s mouths.
What do you do? I don’t have a big friend/support base even now. And I never seem to be able to convey my feelings in a way that all that matters is my feelings and not all the connotations that they bring. I appreciate the fact that the friends I do have are very intelligent and insightful but sometimes I just want to be hugged and allowed or even encouraged to cry. Sometimes the tough love thing with logic just makes me feel worse. What do I do? Do I have to do this healing thing completely alone? How do you heal without understanding? How do people just accept something as a person’s nature and still love them even when that person’s ‘nature’ is a defensive, aggressive, hurting nature?
Peace and Light
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