Earlier today I was talking to my good friend Lisa about why I was straying from eating sunfired foods as much as I would like to and happened to mention that I am processing a lot of stuff. At that time (all of 6 hours ago) I wasn’t really sure what that was. But I have been thinking on it for the rest of the day and didn’t begin to figure it out until about a half hour ago. My chest is tight (anxiety) and I feel like my mind is moving faster than it should be. I don’t really know what it was all about but about 30 minutes ago I started to get a glimmer of what was going on when I started reading more articles on Bornfree, Laura Shanley’s website.
All I can say is “WOW!” I think I have a slight idea what I am currently processing. Fear. Which totally blows my mind. I firmly believe that women’s bodies are meant to deliver babies without the assistance of doctors or anyone for that matter. What makes us so different from every other mammal on the plant? Nothing (well except our lack of a pouch…but that’s getting a little more detailed then I was intending…sheesh!). hehe…I kid, I kid.
Okay. Honestly, my fear didn’t start to surface until recently. I’m not sure where it’s coming from but although I am gravitating more and more towards unassisted birth (I think that’s just what makes the most sense to me, I’m a pretty private person) I’m not feeling quite as supported as I would like. It’s not that my husband hasn’t been supportive, he is. But he’s nervous too. Being nervous and trying to be supportive doesn’t really work and I know I can’t go against what he wants since we are doing this together. There were also a few birthing books that I got that were supposed to be alternative (Birthing from Within and Ina May’s second book – not Spiritual Midwifery) that continually talk about fear and pain. They are way more positive than most of the traditional stuff but I still have found myself putting them both down because they aren’t sending the message that I was looking for. The articles on the Bornfree website are doing a good job of reminding me that my fear is unwarranted. But there is a lot of reprogramming to be done. And there are a number of people around me that keep feeling it necessary to tell me about their experiences (all hospital births, a number ending in c-sections for random medical reasons).
I need to figure out how to process some of this. Plus I would also like to delve into my birth traumas and heal that why I am at it. There is just so much healing that I want to do right now and I think that’s part of why I am so overwhelmed. I am feeling so connected to this little life inside of me and hope that I will be able to do everything in my power to give him/her the best start to life possible! I am so looking forward to this experience but I don’t want it to be rushed. My husband on the other hand is ready to have the babee “already!” He says that he’s impatient and that he wants to meet him/her. I find that his hurriedness takes away from my pleasure of experiencing. I know he wants to meet this little person but I am not ready to be a full blown mom yet. I am ready to take care of the little one internally and ready for my belly to outgrow my pants but I am not ready to have another being 100% relying on me for everything and me having to have the presence of mind to give it.
I know deep down that this process is part of me turning from “a woman (maiden)” into a “mother” and I need to own every part of it and be present for every part of it. Feeling hurried or impatient is counterproductive for me. Not dealing with my emotional insecurities is counterproductive. Listening to other people experiences if they don’t align with what I am intending to do is counterproductive.
Time for more introspection I guess. I start my yoga classes tomorrow and I can’t wait. I really want to do Bikram in addition to the prenatal classes, I think I need to explore that more.
Love & Blessings!
No comments:
Post a Comment