Fear is an Interesting Thing

Last night while I was laying in bed reading my most recent copy of Mothering magazine I realized that it was possible that the editor was speaking directly to me. I hadn't got that far as I was reading the "Editors Notes" but I must say, it was quite a profound moment for me. The article that Peggy had written was called "Killer Fear" and I'm pretty sure it was written just for me. If you would like to read it you can find it here.

I have been having some stuff going on in my head lately that I just can't quite figure out. I am not generally a fearful person but lately I have been having a lot of concerning thoughts zipping through my head like an information highway scene from Hackers. If you haven't seen this movie, I personally love it. I think it's from the late 80's or early 90's and it's one of Angelina Jolie's first movies. Alright, now back on topic I suppose.

The fear thing is new. I 'm not sure where it's coming from, it could be childhood trauma that I don't remember or something else that I am experiencing because it's all part of the process, I'm not really sure. Things that have been running through my head consist of:

How am I going to do this - I'm pretty sure this is pretty general, and have broken it down into a few categories. How am I am going to give birth? How am I going to be a stay and home (or work at home) mother? How am I going to raise my child in the area that we are currently living in? How am I going to go against the grain without much support? How do I possibly think that I can give birth at home with little to no assistance and just the comfort of my wonderful husband when most women I know have birthed in hospitals with drugs? How do I do this without a community? How is my body going to bounce back since I haven't been staying 100% raw like I was before getting pregnant? The hows just keep going on. I really am not sure how to answer most of them either. In an attempt to make myself feel better I have tried but this is hard to even talk about. A few months ago I was the most sure person in the world. I wanted to have an unassisted childbirth and I was ready to. Doing research every day and really immersing myself in the knowledge and beauty of unassisted child birth. Then a couple weeks ago the fear started kicking in. I think I was trying to suppress the fear with any variety of foods that numb me a little bit. It's quite a strange feeling. I have not tried consciously to numb myself for about a year. I was always trying to get more clear and be more in tune. A mantra might help a lot at this point and that was what Peggy was talking about. The one that she quoted I particularly liked (from Dune):

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings 
total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and 
through me.

And when it has gone past I will 
turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be 
nothing.

Only I will remain.

The how's weren't my only questions. There are others. One that has been particularly strong lately is "Am I going to have the patience to raise a little baby the way that I want to?" This one has really been nagging me lately. I will close my eyes and get images of myself loosing my temper with a little baby. That is a terrifying image! I can only imagine that that is coming from childhood trauma's with my father. He wasn't the most giving/loving man and I don't particularly remember any instance where he lost his temper with me as an infant but there are images of him loosing his temper and spanking me until I couldn't sit when I was a bit older. The one that comes to mind is the day he put my mothers head through the wall as she pulled me off of his knee. I was in kindergarten and  he was spanking me with a wooden paddle because I wouldn't let my cousin read my diary. I wonder where that diary is now? He also used to leave my sister and I locked in rooms during the day (he was a stay at home dad not because my mom wanted to work but because Will couldn't hold down a job) while he left and had affairs or went to the bar or to sell drugs or something. I really don't know what he did. I do know that he left us alone locked in rooms though. Great man my father. I can't think of any other place that these fears might be coming from. And I remember other holes in the walls and my mother trying to protect my sister or I in other ways. Most of my childhood up until about 10 is hazy, Will left a while before that but still kept popping in and out of our lives. With a father figure like that, am I going to be able to do this? Does my childhood experiences directly reflect who I am now? I know it doesn't but at the same time, there is a little kid in me that is pretty hurt still I think and doesn't know if they can grow up enough to take care of a baby.

The funny this is, I have forgiven my father. The grown-up me has. I know that he was damaged by his mother and instead of ever making the effort to move away from that damage and hurt, he wallowed in it. I am stronger then that. I have more of my mother in me. More of my grandmother. They are strong, loving and compassionate women. My mother always did what had to be done for her girls, to provide for them. She wasn't there for my sister and I as much as I would have liked physically, but we had a home that was hers, we had food in our house (although it wasn't always the junk we wanted) and we had the cloths that we needed. She worked her butt off and I respect her for that. I have however chose to do things little differently and stay home with my children because I am confident if I don't make that commitment to my kids, I will never be fully satisfied with myself. I know it would have made the world of difference in my life and I saw the difference it made in others lives. If I current situation were to change and I needed to start bringing home money, Ryan and I would figure out how to do it.

The last fear that I have had lately is Ryan leaving me. I feel very insecure. Is he happy with me? Am I still attractive to him? Will he want to still be with me for me and not just for the baby? I actually got a twinge of jealously the other day that I have no idea where came from when a woman just talked to Ryan. That was a completely new experience for me. Where is this coming from? Why am I feeling insecure. I have been with this man for over 6 years. I have no reason to feel insecure. We have had our ups and downs just like any couple but he has never given me a reason to be insecure. At times his own insecurities (stemming from family stuff usually) will bubble up and he will put it on me but that's something completely different. I have yet to meet someone that doesn't do this at one point or another.

~Blessings~

Emotionally Incapacitated

I’m sitting here and feeling completely alone. I’m not sure why I feel like this. I had an argument with my sister yesterday (not an unusual occurrence when it comes to our perspectives on what we need from our family, which happened to be the topic), got into an argument about the definition of “vegan” with people on my favorite forum and have not been receiving the support I feel like I need right now. I wrote my sister a HUGE letter which I chose not to send but shared with two people who are very close to me. I shared it because I just felt like I needed someone to understand so badly…just understand and be in my corner and I don’t feel like I got that at all. Probably my fault, when you tell someone you want their feedback you should be prepared for them to give honest feedback and that can conflict with your hopes of having them in your corner (or feeling that deep consoling support that you are looking for).

I have never had great self esteem. As a kid I didn’t really fit in anywhere and my primary way of healing has been to understand where people are coming from when they make the choices they make (which ultimately end up hurting someone they love). That desire for understanding was my primary motivation and probably a good chuck of why I made it through my teens. It’s not that I didn’t have support, my family was there, they put a roof over my head, clothed me and gave me the love they themselves were capable of (which never seemed to meet my standards). It was never good enough for me though. I know humans are capable of great feats of love, I’ve seen it in different environments and that’s what I always felt like I was worth. At the same time, I relied heavily on my family (probably still do) for validation. I was never comfortable in my own skin and if they (my family) approved of me and loved me then maybe I was doing something right. My friends were useless for that sort of stuff. We were a group of misfits that didn’t really fit together either but needed someone so hung out together. Not the best environment for support or the healthiest way to learn to build relationships from my understanding now.

Now I am having a lot of problems. I have become my own person as we try to do and am still finding it hard to find a place to fit in. Now I have very little interest in injecting myself into family situations mostly because they are always stressful for me. I’m talking large gatherings for the main holidays. It makes it more difficult that I can’t talk to them on most topics anymore. I feel alienated and I think I might have done it myself. I want something very different than any of them have exhibited being able to give. Where do I look now? For the past four years I have been living in Maryland and haven’t ever fallen in love with it. I miss Vermont (that’s where I grew up) and I used to think I missed it because my family was there. I am no longer sure that’s the case. If I missed my family so much why do I have such a strong dislike for going home for “holidays” where emotions run high and people get stressed (and inevitably stress me)? What is it I want? Where do I want to be? Where am I going to be happy? Is it necessary for me to put the family that was there, that helped raise me behind me so I can become the person I know I’m meant to be? Do I have to build a new family, start from scratch, wipe the proverbial slate clean and find different people to talk to and confide in (by different I mean different then the people I have always confided in). My grandmother and I talk and I can confide in her but she always tells me I need to just accept my family, my mother for who she is because she’s never going to change. I don’t believe that people never change, I can’t even begin to get my head around that. I confide in my sister as well but not without the knowledge that she will usually go back and tell my mother. She thinks she needs to play mediator and it’s very much not necessary. I just look for comfort from her, she went through all the same things I did (just in different ways) growing up and that gives me commonality, or so I thought.

One of my sisters, mothers, and grandmother’s favorite things to tell me is “…they aren’t going to change.” Well why the hell not? I am? Why won’t they? People are capable of great things, changing the way they perceive things doesn’t seem that ‘far out’ to me. Why do they change only when they have to? As we move towards a more enlightened way of living and being am I going to lose them? Are they going to be able to keep up? How do I change my interactions with them and make them change without talk? Everything I have ever done has been talk, reason, hypothesize and solve (through experimentation, research and understanding). How do I adapt my way of healing so it doesn’t depend on understanding why they are the way they are?

Then there is the topic of respect. I really just want to be respected by people. I don’t ask for a lot but that one is important to me. If I am not respected what is my purpose in their lives? Someone to berate and inflict their opinions on? You know, the first time I ever remember having an adult other than a teacher (and most of my teachers didn’t even do this) ask me what I thought about anything it was one of Ryan’s family members. The first time I met her she sat down next to me and asked me for my honest opinion on “Presidential Candidate Dean.” Her main reason for asking me was because I was from Vermont and he had been the Governor there for 10 years. She listened attentively, asked a few more questions and that was it. She had no interest in projecting her thoughts or feelings on me and was just looking for insight from me. Such a cool experience. I’m lucky if I can say anything in the presence of key members of my own family without getting my head bit off. My family feels it is so important for their opinion to be heard over anyone else’s. If you can’t picture this, picture a holiday dinner when voices keep getting heightened partly because of alcohol and partly because everyone’s opinion is so damn important. It doesn’t ever seem to get too out-of hand but I’m pretty sure it’s not good for digestion and I know for a fact that it leaves sour tastes in some people’s mouths.

What do you do? I don’t have a big friend/support base even now. And I never seem to be able to convey my feelings in a way that all that matters is my feelings and not all the connotations that they bring. I appreciate the fact that the friends I do have are very intelligent and insightful but sometimes I just want to be hugged and allowed or even encouraged to cry. Sometimes the tough love thing with logic just makes me feel worse. What do I do? Do I have to do this healing thing completely alone? How do you heal without understanding? How do people just accept something as a person’s nature and still love them even when that person’s ‘nature’ is a defensive, aggressive, hurting nature?

Peace and Light

Pregnancy or something like it...

Earlier today I was talking to my good friend Lisa about why I was straying from eating sunfired foods as much as I would like to and happened to mention that I am processing a lot of stuff. At that time (all of 6 hours ago) I wasn’t really sure what that was. But I have been thinking on it for the rest of the day and didn’t begin to figure it out until about a half hour ago. My chest is tight (anxiety) and I feel like my mind is moving faster than it should be. I don’t really know what it was all about but about 30 minutes ago I started to get a glimmer of what was going on when I started reading more articles on Bornfree, Laura Shanley’s website.

All I can say is “WOW!” I think I have a slight idea what I am currently processing. Fear. Which totally blows my mind. I firmly believe that women’s bodies are meant to deliver babies without the assistance of doctors or anyone for that matter. What makes us so different from every other mammal on the plant? Nothing (well except our lack of a pouch…but that’s getting a little more detailed then I was intending…sheesh!). hehe…I kid, I kid.

Okay. Honestly, my fear didn’t start to surface until recently. I’m not sure where it’s coming from but although I am gravitating more and more towards unassisted birth (I think that’s just what makes the most sense to me, I’m a pretty private person) I’m not feeling quite as supported as I would like. It’s not that my husband hasn’t been supportive, he is. But he’s nervous too. Being nervous and trying to be supportive doesn’t really work and I know I can’t go against what he wants since we are doing this together. There were also a few birthing books that I got that were supposed to be alternative (Birthing from Within and Ina May’s second book – not Spiritual Midwifery) that continually talk about fear and pain. They are way more positive than most of the traditional stuff but I still have found myself putting them both down because they aren’t sending the message that I was looking for. The articles on the Bornfree website are doing a good job of reminding me that my fear is unwarranted. But there is a lot of reprogramming to be done. And there are a number of people around me that keep feeling it necessary to tell me about their experiences (all hospital births, a number ending in c-sections for random medical reasons).

I need to figure out how to process some of this. Plus I would also like to delve into my birth traumas and heal that why I am at it. There is just so much healing that I want to do right now and I think that’s part of why I am so overwhelmed. I am feeling so connected to this little life inside of me and hope that I will be able to do everything in my power to give him/her the best start to life possible! I am so looking forward to this experience but I don’t want it to be rushed. My husband on the other hand is ready to have the babee “already!” He says that he’s impatient and that he wants to meet him/her. I find that his hurriedness takes away from my pleasure of experiencing. I know he wants to meet this little person but I am not ready to be a full blown mom yet. I am ready to take care of the little one internally and ready for my belly to outgrow my pants but I am not ready to have another being 100% relying on me for everything and me having to have the presence of mind to give it.

I know deep down that this process is part of me turning from “a woman (maiden)” into a “mother” and I need to own every part of it and be present for every part of it. Feeling hurried or impatient is counterproductive for me. Not dealing with my emotional insecurities is counterproductive. Listening to other people experiences if they don’t align with what I am intending to do is counterproductive.

Time for more introspection I guess. I start my yoga classes tomorrow and I can’t wait. I really want to do Bikram in addition to the prenatal classes, I think I need to explore that more.

Love & Blessings!

Unassisted Self Inspection

I am sitting here, thinking. I just got done reading an article on one of my favorite mom blogs "Natural Mom's Blog" and am sitting here plowing through other research that I have been itching to do. My pregnancy has resulted in a very high level of introspection. In fact, I really can't believe how much internal searching/housecleaning that I have been doing especially in the past month or so. Today has been one of those days. I have not been able to stop thinking about stuff so it was funny when I came across Tiffany’s post. If you haven’t read the “Natural Mom’s Blog” I highly recommend it! It motivated me to look further into something that I have really been wanting to learn more about personally. What is that? Unassisted child birth. There I said it, I got it out there. I have only discussed this in passing my one friend and a little with Ryan. We have interviewed two different midwives and I really liked both of them for different reasons. I have decided to go with the second woman I interviewed because of her vast knowledge of home births and hands off mentality. However, I digress.

I have been introduced to this concept a few times, and it makes sense to me. Entertaining it as an option was a completely different story. This is my first babee and I want to make sure everything goes well but I also feel this primal instinct (and have since the beginning) that I want it as hands off as possible. About two weeks ago now I got the first installment of “Mothering” magazine. I had bought one in the news stand at a local health market previously and fell in love. It’s a bi-monthly publication but there is a wonderful online community to supplement the 59 (or so) days between getting my hands on each subscription. In the most recent publication there was a wonderful article on unassisted home birth written by the husband. It spoke to me on so many levels I couldn’t believe it! I had to have my friend read it and it put her into tears. Lisa calls herself a big cry-baby anyway but she was just blown away by how profound it was. I have to admit, I was close to tears at a couple different points. The article took place in Vermont, which is my home state and was just so touching to me on so many levels. I felt like I was sitting in their log cabin with them experiencing everything as well. That article sparked a serious interest in doing some more research. The Mothering.com community has a ton of information in their forum dedicated to unassisted childbirth. So I’ve been reading!

Ryan is still very sure that he wants the midwife present. But that may change. We both seem to be growing/evolving into this new space that has been open by this amazing little (yet growing) being. We are so excited and even though every facet of or relationship is changing it all seems to be good changes. It’s quite profound an experience all around.

I’ve started talking walks more regularly, I love the fall and the crisp air and the walks seem to sooth me on some level. I take the dogs with me and they have been so incredibly good. Keva has only been pulling a little bit which is AMAZING for her! She is my puller. She wants to be romping off in front of me somewhere smelling the roses. Goofy dog. The geese have been migrating and the leaves are falling. It’s perfect for a nice long walk with the dogs. The only thing that would make it better is not walking on blacktop!

So I guess that’s where I’m at with this though. I am sure more will come soon!

Cheers!

Who am I?

It's amazing to me what things affect life changes for us as self aware individuals, us Homo sapiens. For me this summer has flown by! I am starting a new blog a little over a year after starting my first real blog because it doesn't really speak to me anymore and I need to find a different way to express myself. I have new friends (and wonderful ones!) and have been trying to process all my feeling about the prospect of having true friends. My house is finally coming together and turning into a home after nearly a year! And, oh yeah, I'm pregnant! That onslaught of items that have changed in the past 6 months is only a preview of what I have been thinking about and processing lately. It's September 25th, I have been 28 for 2 full days now and I am not sure why I don't feel any different, but at the same time feel like a whole new person!

The "new person" feeling isn't because I'm 28 but possibly has something to do with the babee that's doing gymnastics in my tummy right now. I would also say that a good portion of it is from the living foods journey I have been on in the past year. Another aspect is this wonderful woman that I met about a month ago now at the Raw Spirit Festival. The amazing thing about LM is that she's female and I talk to her every single day. Females and I don't usually click like that (well unless I'm not being my authentic self - i.e. keeping my mouth shut).

I've learned a lot about myself in the last year and I have been incredibly introspective lately about the whole thing. I used to look for people to connect with like it was something I couldn't live without. But I was never able to maintain the connections and a lot of the time it ended badly. Possibly because I live by my own set of rules or maybe because I just was so out of tune with me? If I were to guess, I would say it was a little of both. In the last year however, I have found myself (well I'm still finding pieces, the puzzle isn't quite together). I am not the outgoing, party animal I always tried to make myself be. That probably explains the incidents that happened when I decided to "let loose" and be a party animal. I don't need to be surrounded by people all the time, which came as quite a shock...and I am capable of being quiet and listen (also a shock). I'm a home body for all intensive purposes. I'm still not 100% sure what that means though? I just know that's what I am.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this. LM and I were having a discussion about taking care of yourself first so you were able to take care of others and it got my brain going all sorts of funny places. I have a feeling I will be writing more today, mostly because I need to write and I am no good at journaling. I find peace in writing, but for whatever reasons have never found a notebook to write in that makes me as comfortable as writing on the computer. I have had many many journals...but they are all only about half way full! Maybe that has something to do with my ability to follow through with things?

Anyway, I will leave it at that for now!

Love & Light,

Wysteria